A God Who Heals
I should just leave. I don’t belong with these people. The cloud over my life isn’t over theirs.
Such were my thoughts at the plenary session my first night at the New Wineskins Global Mission Conference. My youngest child had thrown an all-out tantrum when I left him with childcare workers to attend the session. This was so out of character for him, I was troubled. My middle daughter was still queasy after getting motion sickness from the drive. My oldest daughter had just run out of the room in tears; a text had come in during the session that an acquaintance’s brother had died in a car accident.
But that wasn’t even the half of it. About two and a half years before, my sweet Mom had been home alone one morning and was murdered in a home invasion robbery. In the year and half following, I had been to court almost two dozen times seeking justice. I had experienced the criminal justice system up close, and it seemed like God just let evil run rampant everywhere I looked. One of my sisters had such severe health issues because of the stress, we thought she was going to die. She ended up losing her spleen, gall bladder, and part of her pancreas. The strain on my marriage was immense. I worried for my kids, who were clearly traumatized over losing their grandmother in such a terrifying way. The whole experience was so painful for my Dad, he died of broken heart syndrome a year and a half after Mom was killed.
It had gotten to the point where I didn’t trust God at all anymore. I thought that either He wasn’t even real or if He was, He was cruel. Left with those two options, I became the most hopeless I had ever been in my entire life. I actually said to God in anger one day, “You know, you’re right. Your kingdom is about the size of a mustard seed. In fact, it’s so small that evil is winning.”
So as I hopelessly sat at the conference that night feeling like everything in my life was continuing to fall apart, I exasperatingly asked God, Why did You even bring me here?
The weekend at the conference was a whirlwind. I sat in and listened to brothers and sisters speak of what God was doing all over the world. We worshiped. We prayed. I even got to help a small bit on a praise dance the children did for one of the sessions, using some rusty gifts I hadn’t used in a while. On Saturday afternoon, I made it to an intercessory prayer session, where two brave women prayed with me for healing. By Saturday night when we prayed for the persecuted church, my heart was as raw and open as it could be. It was there that I realized I wasn’t alone. The brothers and sisters in Christ in that very room were experiencing profound hardship…and yet, they were remaining faithful to Christ. As we sang “Is He Worthy?” by Andrew Peterson, I could barely get the words out. It was too hard to sing and hold back sobs at the same time.
I now know why God brought me to the conference that weekend. It was to heal me.
I didn’t realize the extent to which He had healed me immediately, but within a week or two, I knew something was dramatically different. For one thing, I couldn’t explain why, but I realized I felt like I could trust Him again. Secondly, I could praise again. Like, really praise. I had started to believe that hymns and worship songs wouldn’t mean anything to me anymore. But suddenly I found myself meaning the words again, and even praising God in the middle of the night! That was huge. Thirdly, I realized that I had only been getting a little glimpse of this world…and lo and behold, God’s kingdom was bigger than I thought! Contrary to how it had previously looked to me, God was actually at work all over the world. In His fatherly goodness, He knew I needed to see all of this firsthand with my own eyes.
And at the New Wineskins Global Mission Conference, I did.
Dana Standridge lives in Tallahassee, Florida, with her husband Matt and their four children. She currently spends most of her time homeschooling and caring for her children, as well as seeking to make her home a welcoming place for all who enter. When she gets a minute, Dana loves to dance ballet or read a good book, preferably while eating chocolate.